Love is a dog from hell

And I wish sometimes that dead authors would come back to life and tell me what to say

I started when I was eleven. Occasionally, a day would pass where I wouldn’t do it. Most days I’d do it twice - sometimes three times. Let’s be conservative. Let’s say 10 times a week. Thirty-one years at 10 times a day week. That’s 16,120 self-induced orgasms. Think that’s enough to cause a sore? Sometimes I’m in a hurry. More often, I’ve drunk enough to make it last a long time. But let’s be conservative again. Let’s say five minutes on average. That’s 80,600 minutes or 1,343 hours or about 56 days. So I’ve spent almost two solid months of my life stroking my penis to orgasm.

What you have you done that’s so productive?

—Mykel Board on getting older